Zoomettes

A Match Made in Heaven for the Millennial Man

What is a “zoomette,” you ask? A reasonable question. A “zoomette” is a clever feminization of the word “zoomer,” but it’s also much more. For one, it’s a word invented by me, Dan Baltic, which I shall hereby claim in this essay before some other charlatan attempts to stamp his name on my creation. But a zoomette is more than a term Dan Baltic has gifted the cultural timeline. It is a word meant to describe a certain cohort of women who were born between the years 1997 to 2008, a generation of young ladies who came of age in a post-pandemic world where meeting “irl” felt taboo and progressive political orthodoxy was beginning to be questioned. The zoomettes have been weaned on Internet pornography, denied physical intimacy, and have borne witness to the collapse of a postwar consensus that dominated the hearts and minds of their generational predecessors. They are horny and hungry, underemployed and overanxious. The zoomettes are the handcrafted soulmates of the Millennial Man.

But I get ahead of myself. Let’s circle back to that now omnipresent technology that was all but absent thirty years prior: the Internet. Millennials are a bridge generation; they remember a time before the Internet, as well as its rise. But the Internet impacted Millennial Men and Millennial Matrons differently. Boys being boys, Millennial Men, by and large, dove headfirst into the frothy sea of online pornography. For good or for ill, their sexuality was shaped by BangBros and RedTube, by hotwives and cuckolding, by FMFs, MFMs, and all manner of acronyms in between. Millennial Matrons, however, did not take part in this journey to the end of the night. At this early stage of the Internet’s development, porn was not yet so ubiquitous as to make its way onto the radar (and timelines) of the Millennial Matrons.

Not so for the zoomettes. Whether by virtue of smartphones or the rise of social media, the zoomettes have a level of familiarity with sexual deviancy similar to that of the Millennial Men. And in many cases, a hunger for the forbidden fruits they’ve seen in memes and messageboards, splayed across timelines during their formative years. For a pervert such as myself, the mind of the zoomette is a beautiful thing, an erotic garden where I can find the strange fruit I need.

While it appears to be the case that zoomettes are the most left-leaning generational cohort in the American political ecosystem, I find that they have more of a sense of humor about the whole thing. Perhaps my picture of zoomettes is disproportionately shaped by my experience with their “Dimes Square” subset, a group of young ladies who have been molded by the style and ethos of irreverent cultural commentators such as Anna Khachiyan and Dasha Nekrasova of Red Scare podcast fame. That being said, the zoomettes that I know are tired of the politically correct strictures of the likes of Tina Fey and Rachel Maddow, cultural touchstones of the Millennial Matrons. Raised on a diet of Pepes and Trump memes, the zoomettes are not about to lose their shit over an off-color joke or a disfavored political opinion. After all, the zoomettes are not only the daughters of the Internet, but also of the cultural collapse, the fall of the hegemonic narrative that was sacrosanct until people started talking to each other online. Whether she’s a “Hot Girl for Mamdani” or a so-called “groypette,” the Generation Z female is built for the new world. She’s sexually open, irony-poisoned, and ready to throw your memes right back at you. And send you a few of her own.

Speaking of memes, I’ve posted several proclaiming that Millennial Men and zoomettes are a match made in heaven. They’ve proven even more popular than I had expected. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason zoomer men flail butthurt in my replies, demanding that I stay away from “their women.” Zoomettes came of age during a time when they were mandated by the government to stay inside. They were taught to fear human contact, warned that an illicit make-out session could seal the fate of their parents or grandparents, and ordered to stay six feet apart from their fellow diners at Chipotle. This translated to missed proms, unfinished semesters, and a general longing for the world outside their bedroom.

The male members of Generation Z did not fare any better. Like the zoomettes, the zoomers were developmentally harmed by the modern age. Between the shutdowns and the ubiquity of online dating, the zoomers never learned how to approach women in bars, how to make small talk, or how to flirt “irl.” This deficit in social skills has had a material effect on the ability of the zoomers to claim their zoomettes.

Millennial Men, on the other hand, have benefited from their tour of duty in the pre-digital world.

From my teens to my early twenties, the only people on online dating apps were losers and weirdos. No one had a smartphone. If we wanted to meet women, we had to go out there and meet them. And though some of us are admittedly a bit rusty, it’s like riding a bike. As soon as you hop back on, you remember. You start peddling and suddenly you’re telling zoomettes stories about “the way things were.” And in many cases, you’re telling these stories in expensive lounges and restaurants, exclusive venues that you can now afford with your comparatively greater earning power. Money isn’t everything, but it has its uses. For this reason and many others, the Millennial Man holds the high ground in the battle for the hearts and minds of the zoomettes.

A great collapse is underway. A collapse of narratives and systems, political institutions and financial economies. Women seek comfort and safety during times of unrest; the zoomettes are no different. What’s more, Millennial Men are poised to not only support the zoomettes, but give them back a piece of their lives that the world had taken away from them. After a long cultural winter, Millennial Men and zoomettes are ready to stride confidently into the fertile spring. No cap.